Wednesday, February 22, 2006
2:31 PM
So I'm back in "adoption zen" mode. After having an incredibly emotional day yesterday, in which I argued with both my husband and my mom, I sat in bed last night and tried to figure out what the heck was going on with me and why I was so upset. I realized just how much I was counting on a referral this week (whether it was realistic or not- mostly NOT), and I decided I needed to really cool it. I'm basing EVERYTHING on hearing news, and that's wrong. I can't give my entire life to this process- it's not asking that of me, and I'm just investing all my emotion, my ability to think and feel and just exist, in whether or not the phone rings. That's just stupid because there's plenty going on right now that I can spend time thinking about and working on. There's no reason to just drown in anxiety and anticipation when this is not a "yes or no" thing anymore. It's now a "when" thing. And that's just not worth getting myself into a heartbroken tizzy over. I'm getting myself all worked up for very little reason. There's going to be a lot more emotional rollarcoaster-ing in the coming months (especially when Tom travels to Vietnam to get Cupcake!) and I need to sort of try and keep it together until then.
I'm back to hoping the referral comes after we are done with the paperwork and after we get our C.O. for the house. Why? Because if I see Cupcake's picture now, I won't be able to wait. I will *have* to wait, but I think I might go absolutely bonkers. Right now I am calmly hoping it comes much closer to travel, and that she doesn't have to spend months and months in the orphanage as we wait for travel approval and for the 171.
So back to day by day. The last time I said this, the phone rang with news that a referral might be on the way. I'm glad my agency is out this week- at least I know if that phone does ring, it won't be news of Cupcake.
*hugs* to everyone- I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be going through this with. I now understand how the adoption process brings so many people together. I'm blessed to have all of you in my life.
