Wednesday, February 8, 2006
10:48 AM
When we started this process in December, and made the very big decision *not* to go with China (which we had planned and researched and had our hearts set on), but to go with Vietnam (which was new and somewhat unknown but very very appealing- it seemed "meant to be..."), my one wish was that Cupcake would be here by Christmas 2006. That's all I wanted. None of us knew when licenses would be granted, what agencies would be working in Vietnam, what ages the children would be, and how long the process would take. We assumed it would take a year. And that seemed just fine.
For the last eight weeks, I have been slowly moving the date up. I started being adventurous on our registry but putting in "October". Then I changed it to "August". Then I put "May" on our Amazon registry.
Yesterday we got word that things are happening way faster than anyone expected, that anything can happen anytime. All day long, I was on edge, hoping they would. Nevermind that we're not in the house yet, our homestudy hasn't been finished, that we don't have the 171 yet. I just started hoping for magical news. Thinking I was totally ready.
Wrong.
Last night reality set in. It's not time yet. We have a lot to do. We need to move into the house, spend a few months just LIVING in the house so we understand what it's all about. Start new routines and adjust our old ones. Then we need to start working on the nursery, preparing for a baby. We are nowhere near ready.
Cupcake will come when she's ready, and if that's sooner rather than later, that's fine. We'll make it work. But until she arrives, there is a lot to get done. I need to stop hoping that time would speed up and just relax and enjoy the time we have until she comes. Everything is going to change, and when I started recognizing that it wasn't going to be "current life plus baby", but a brand new chapter to our lives, it made me really, really frightened, and suddenly grateful for this waiting period.
Hopefully the house will get done soon so we can get in there and start our lives as homeowners, understand what that entails, and be realistic about what we expect from ourselves as parents AND adults. I've been living in fantasy land, imagining Cupcake here. Just slipping in.
It's a whole new world, and I need the next few months to learn how to live in it. So instead of imagining how she's going to feel in my arms, how she's going to smell, how she's going to laugh and gurgle, I need to imagine us together later in the year.
