Wednesday, September 6, 2006
11:14 PM
I was just telling Tom that I feel like Gracie came to us with this big, whole heart. And every time we make her upset because we can't attend to her wants and needs at that very moment, a piece of her big heart is chipped away. I feel like I'm breaking her spirit, in a way, by not being able to be all she needs me to be.
I feel like I should be by her side 24/7, playing with her, showing her the world, sharing so many things with her. It's just so hard sometimes to make day-to-day life work and be a parent.
She really deserves someone who dotes on her constantly, someone who never gets tired or frustrated or confused. I feel like this little miracle came to me, and I am too clueless to know how to appreciate it. It's just so *hard* sometimes. It gets exhausting and mindless and frustrating and even a little boring.
But then she smiles, and her dimples show, and she lights up, and I hate myself for feeling anything but love for this perfect little girl.
I'm just not good enough for her. I WANT to be.
I hope that I can do more- BE more- for Gracie. It breaks *my* heart that I might be breaking hers.
It sounds like you have incredible insight and a great new mama! With adopting her you should spend as much time as you can with her and just BE PRESENT. Be mindful and make great memories. You have some catching up to do. It is apparent that you and your sweet baby have a great connection. Let Gracie inspire you and build yourself to be the mother that u want to be. It is a journey not a destination.
Posted by Melissa @ September 7, 2006 10:05 PM
Remember to become a mother through adoption you have invested more time, passion/heartache, patience, money, scrutiny (aka homestudy).....
Posted by Melissa @ September 7, 2006 10:08 PM
You are a great mother! Gracie will be able to look back on her journey home and know how loved, wanted, and truly cherished she is forever. Your love for her shines through in everything you do.
Don't be hard on yourself-NOBODY is perfect, parenting can be very overwhelming. We all make mistakes, we all become stressed or angry and everyone has hurt their child's feelings once and a while. It's reality.
Have you joined a parenting group, mothers playgroup or anything like that? It's a lifesaver to a lot of moms!
Posted by Heather @ September 8, 2006 10:12 AM
oh chel! I think this is the silliest thing you've ever written! no mother can give her child everything she wants, and nor should she! I'm sure that Grace knows how much you love and care for her. and I'm sure that you do too!
I know we're not there all the time, seeing every minute you spend together, but from what we do see, your words, and your photos, you are a wonderful mother who clearly adores her daughter! *hugs*
I know telling you not to worry is pointless, coz I know you will. A little while back you wrote about how your mother is with Grace, find that and read it. And then apply the same standards to yourself, and I doubt you would EVER find yourself lacking.
I'm not mad at you either, so please don't take this the wrong way, this is being said with love, from one friend to another :)Posted by melanie @ September 9, 2006 05:09 AM
