January 2007: This section chronicles some of my
feelings and experiences as a personwith Spina Bifida. It's VERY much
out of date, but it still
remains the most honest and personal thing I have ever put online. I
do intend to update this all someday soon- I'd very much like to talk
health today, as well as the issue of trying to manage having SB and
being a mom. So, here's some of my personal story, and there's more to
: evolution :
...Two weeks after birth I underwent the first of many operations that
were to come- a ground breaking procedure in which the neurosurgeons
my back up by a horizontal incision on the small of my back from one
side to the other, unraveled a "tumor" full of knotted nerves at the base of
my spine and "plugged" each nerve back into my spine...
: scar tissue :
...I stood in front of the many mirrors in my bathroom, naked, and studied
all of my scars. I looked at them, touched them, saw them. I never do
this because it makes things too real, because I can recall every scar, when it was made. If I don't look at the scars, then I can escape from
everything and pretend that that is another girl. That's another person,
another life, another set of emotions...
: depression :
... I think understanding comes only when you realize that depression
is its own living and breathing thing, and that it has its own free will,
and there is very little you can do to intercept it or prevent it.The scariest part of it is when you come to terms with those facts.
It's so hard when you realize you have nothing in your current life to
"blame" it on. Nothing you can fix to make it all better. It's
just there, lurking...