January 2007: This section chronicles some of my feelings and experiences as a personwith Spina Bifida. It's VERY much out of date, but it still remains the most honest and personal thing I have ever put online. I do intend to update this all someday soon- I'd very much like to talk about my health today, as well as the issue of trying to manage having SB and being a mom. So, here's some of my personal story, and there's more to come.


: evolution :
...Two weeks after birth I underwent the first of many operations that were to come- a ground breaking procedure in which the neurosurgeons opened my back up by a horizontal incision on the small of my back from one side to the other, unraveled a "tumor" full of knotted nerves at the base of my spine and "plugged" each nerve back into my spine...


: scar tissue :
...I stood in front of the many mirrors in my bathroom, naked, and studied all of my scars. I looked at them, touched them, saw them. I never do this because it makes things too real, because I can recall every scar, when it was made. If I don't look at the scars, then I can escape from everything and pretend that that is another girl. That's another person, another life, another set of emotions...


: images :
Various images and x-rays.


: depression :
... I think understanding comes only when you realize that depression is its own living and breathing thing, and that it has its own free will, and there is very little you can do to intercept it or prevent it. The scariest part of it is when you come to terms with those facts. It's so hard when you realize you have nothing in your current life to "blame" it on. Nothing you can fix to make it all better. It's just there, lurking...


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