Then I looked at the big one, in the mirror, the one that spans horizontal across my back, from one edge of my waist to the other, more or less. It almost looks like a sunset in a bizarre way. It's very much there, it isn't a straight line, it sort of waves, and the scar tissue under it is sort of bumpy and bruised and different shades of purple. It's its own thing, I can't describe it. It's always been behind me, so I don't know it well, and it always surprises me when I see it, because unlike the rest of my scars, this is one I don't see everyday. The doctors did it horizontal, instead of vertical (which is the protocol) because they thought I might like to wear bathing suits as I got older.

When I was 13 or so, I lost 30 pounds at the onset of puberty. I was a very fat child. Well I lost this weight, and I was able to fit into a cute little bathing suit, back when that mattered. And it was right after my first foot reconstruction, so I was feeling proud, and afraid of my new self. I got a nice little bathing suit and wore it to a pool party at this girl Dawn's house. She pulled me aside after I got there and told me to put my shirt back on, because the way my scar (which is really across the small of my back) was poking out of my bathing suits, the edges of it, the parts that aren't actually that bad, were making her other friends sick. I just remembered this incident this morning...

Ever since then I have hid that scar with a passion. Always. Years and years. And I could never remember why. Even from boyfriends; I'd show them my breasts in a heartbeat but never, ever my back. Then I fell in love with someone who loved that scar when I was 19, and suddenly I became very proud of it because it represented who I was. It was ugly, and spanned across a large portion of my body, but underneath was a wounded spine, something barely protected by the rough scar tissue that grew over it. In many ways that scar is really great. If you are gonna have a scar, it might as well be something like that.

I think that the most beautiful part of a woman's body is the small of her back. Maybe that's because mine is covered with a scar, I'm not sure. But it's always behind me, so I can't see it unless I want to, and today I wanted to. It's not so bad, actually. But I still wear bathing suits that are high in the back, so no one can see what it's all about. 

more...